Monday, April 21, 2008

Our Story So Far

Don Surber has the story of the Primaries to date:

How Democrats wound up where they are today.

Can we screw it up? YES WE CAN!

Democrat 1: Wow, look at the great choice we have this year. There’s the black one and the pink one. And of course, the white one.

Democrat 2: Yes, the white one.

[They laugh and both grab the white one and toss it over their heads.]

D1: Republicans have 5 choices.

D2: Yes, it must be difficult for them.

D1: They cannot decide on whether to go with white or white or white or white or white.

[They both laugh and laugh and laugh.]

D2: Yes, it should be a good year. Just like 2006.

D1: Between the war going badly and the economy going south, this should be the year we take back the White House.

D2 (Sings): Happy Days Are Here Again!

[They both laugh and laugh and laugh.]

D1: And Republicans will be fighting among themselves until May at least.

[They both laugh and laugh and laugh.]

D2: Meanwhile, our candidate will be picked by Super Tuesday and will be able to begin the fall campaign while they bicker among themselves.

[They both laugh and laugh and laugh.]

D1: Our candidate — no matter which one we pick — will make history.

D2: Yes, it is a win-win situation. They agree on everything, so there is no bickering over the party’s platforms.

D1: We’re united.

D2: They’re divided.

[They both laugh and laugh and laugh.]

D1: So which one will it be?

D2: Let’s go with the pink one.

D1: Really? I thought we’d go with the black one.

D2: Well, maybe next time.

D1: Why?

D2: Well, she earned it, putting up with Elvis for all those years.

D1: Yes. Well, she also carries a lot of baggage with her. The Republican Attack Machine will have a field day with her.

D2: But she’s strong. She survived their attacks for 16 years.

[They both laugh.]

D1: Yes, but don’t you think Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton is a bit much?

D2: Maybe, but don’t you think it is time for a pink one?

D1: Oh sure, it is time. Still, it is also time for a black one.

D2: And a pink one.

D1: Too bad we cannot get a black and pink one.

[They both laugh.]

D2: But she’s paid her dues, like I said. She was the co-president.

D1: Like he hasn’t paid his dues.

D2: What do you mean?

D1: I mean, come on. He’s the black one.

D2: Well, it’s not like he descended from slaves. His father was a Kenyan. In fact, his family owned slaves.

D1: Well, so did a lot of presidents.

[They both laugh.]

D2: Well, he won South Carolina. But so did Jesse Jackson.

D1: What does that mean?

D2: Nothing. Nothing. Just saying.

D1: Yea, well I’m just saying that she won New Hampshire by crying.

D2: She did not cry. Her eyes welled up.

D1: He’s taking all the blue states. Party loyalty.

D2: So did Dukakis and Gore and Kerry. She’s taking all the red states. Opportunity.

D1: He’s ahead in the popular vote.

D2: Only if you don’t count Michigan and Florida.

D1: He didn’t campaign there.

D2: Neither did she.

D1: But her name was on the ballot in Michigan, not his.

D2: But she still got more than half those votes.

D1: But he’s ahead in money.

D2: But not by much.

D1: *cough* Norman Hsu.

D2: *cough* *cough* Tony Rezko.

D1: Geraldine Ferraro.

D2: Jeremiah Wright.

D1: Let’s not fight like this. The Republicans have chosen a candidate. It is time for us to settle on one. Fight the real enemy.

[They both laugh.]

D2: Agreed. How about a Dream Team of Pink/Black.

D1: Why does the black one always have to get to the back of the bus?

D2: Only because he’s the younger, less experienced one.

D1: Yes, he did not have the experience of voting for the war.

D2: But he later said, when we were winning, he did not know how he would have voted.

D1: Let’s not fight like this. The Republicans have chosen a candidate. It is time for us to settle on one. Fight the real enemy.

D2: You already said that.

D1: Just trying to be nice. Look, it is a close race but she cannot win the nomination. Let’s just pick the black one and begin concentrating on November.

D2: He cannot win the nomination either.

D1: He’s ahead in popular vote.

D2: So was Al Gore.

[D2 laughs. Not D1.]

D1: He might have won if the pink one helped more.

D2: She was running for the Senate. She had her own battle to fight.

D1: Yes, just like in Bosnia.

D2: What’s that supposed to mean?

D1: Oh nothing. Just going through her war record.

D2: Well his combat experience consists of listening to Bill Ayers talk about his bombs.

D1: You had to go there, didn’t you?

D2: Go where?

D1: You had to bring up Bill Ayers. Hey, how about those terrorists your husband pardoned?

D2: Yea? Well what about Tony Rezko?

D1: Marc Rich.

D2: Well, at least pink knows enough to wear a lapel pin and know enough to cross her heart when they sing the national anthem.

D1: Patriotism? Starting a war isn’t patriotic, it is suicide.

D2: Michelle did Princeton, Harvard, knocked down $300 grand a year as a hospital PR person, had her husband elected to the Senate and won a few primaries before she was proud of the country.

D1: Pink is starting to sound like a Republican.

D2: Beats sounding like an ingrate.

D1: Ingrate? You mean N-grate. Why don’t you just call them the N-word and be done with it.

D2: What? Where do you get that?

D1: From you, you witch.

D2: Chauvinist.

Republican 1: Pass the popcorn.

Republican 2: Buttered or kettle?

R1: Either, I’m not hard to please.

R2: Me neither.

Sorry to steal the entire thing, it is just too good. However he does have an update of one of his song parodies!

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